What Does It Take to Change: Part 2

Last month I talked about how to change when you feel stuck. For change to be long-lasting, it must occur on the unseen levels first. I discussed thinking/feeling exercises to help with an attitudinal shift that allows you to let go of what’s holding you back. Click here if you didn’t get a chance to read this.

I knew I needed a change as I was feeling stuck in the “pleasure” department and was wanting more fun in my marriage and family life and less preoccupation with “how much work I have to do.” So, I honored that desire and gave myself permission to try something new with an amazing seminar for women called Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. For me it was about living more fully alive, with pleasure, while integrating my masculine and feminine parts. We live in a culture that is very success, achievement and task/busy oriented (masculine) and many of us don’t give time to just being, savoring, playing, listening to our inner guidance (feminine) and are cut off from our desires and purpose. I highly recommend her book.

I just finished the second of four weekends and here’s just a few things I’m taking away from the last Mama Gena workshop:

- Eliminate the “shoulds” and “have-to’s”
Ask yourself, would this give me pleasure to do this? Answer, no? Then don’t do it. If it’s a task you must complete, ask yourself “What would make this activity more pleasurable?” Perhaps music, getting a coffee drink first, dressing up, some flowers for your desk or home, an inspiring audio, or doing the task in bed or on a comfy couch. Shift your mindset from “I have to” to “I am choosing to…”

- The power of light touch
Try this: Ever so gently, take your index finger and lightly make circles in the palm of your other hand. Now try it again with your eyes closed. You can create pleasure that easily! Even in the most mundane moments we can conjure up pleasure. Imagine the possibilities…. : )

- Slow down
If I get anxious, revved up, controlling I’ll slow down the speed in which I talk in an intentionally exaggerated and sensual way. It’s fun and get’s me out of your woes! Play with this idea and see what happens.

More to come…two more weekends!

What it Takes to Change – Part 2
Last month, we started with awareness, acceptance and looking at our assumptions. Let’s continue with the remaining three steps to support you in making last change: naming our desires, taking action and having accountability & getting support.

Naming Your Desires – Sometimes we don’t even know what we want. We haven’t been taught to fan the flames of our desires. We meet the needs of others first, aiming to please, or avoid conflict, and lose touch with our own wishes. Even if you don’t know where to start, begin with the small things.

• Create a Desire List – I desire to wear more feminine clothes. I desire to have more plants and flowers in the house. I desire to have more friends. I desire to feel strong in my body. I desire a rockin’ sex life. I desire an income of $___ per month. When you state your desires you are igniting the flame to burn brighter. I created a colorfully decorated desire list and hung it on my frig a month ago and filled it with desires. When I look at that list now, about half have already come true!
• It Would be Great If… – Another phrase to fan the flames of your wish list. Write down all the things that come to mind. Keep adding to your list. It will become easier and more comfortable the more you give yourself permission to dream.
• Vision Board – The brain thinks in pictures and likes to categorize, so experiment with a vision board. Get a white board and cut out appealing images from magazines and place them on the board in these four categories: Health, Finances, Relationships and Time Management. You can choose different categories but these are the biggies for most people. Fill each section with images that represent what you want to create. Now write down three big goals for each section. These goals could be shorter term or could take a year or more to complete. Identify, small next steps for each goal. Keep visiting this board often and ask yourself “What’s a small step I can take towards these goals.”

Action – Now, it’s time to get into action. What’s the decision making, boundary setting, breaking off of certain relationships, establishing an exercise plan, meditation practice that’s called for in order to make the identified changes?

• Small Steps – The most important thing is to take small steps towards your desires. You don’t need to accomplish your goal the first week. Give yourself permission to start slowly. I want people to ‘feel’ their way through it, rather than ‘figure it all out’ first. Give yourself permission to ‘experiment’ with new routines and habits and notice what works and what doesn’t. Learn from your new choices and adjust along the way.
• Get Comfortable with others Discomfort – Sometimes when we are in the process of changing, the actions we take can ruffle the feathers of those with whom we are in relationship. They may even try to sabotage our efforts. You may get questioned, challenged, thwarted and may trigger others to confront their own issues. You must have courage to stick with your action plan and not back down or be defensive or reactive when others are uncomfortable with your changes.
• Brag – Celebrate your successes! Acknowledge the small steps you’ve taken each week. Brag! Mama Gena taught me about the power of bragging. “Bragging is about the goodness in your life, especially your pleasurable accomplishments. It unearths your desires and fans the flames of desire in others.” Choose something you feel good about and share it with others. It could be small – that you took a break and went out for a coffee. It can be big – that you stood up to your boss and asked for what you needed. When we hear others celebrate their accomplishments, it inspires us go for it too!

Accountability and Getting Support – In order to maintain momentum and stay focused on our goals, it’s important to have support and accountability; otherwise it’s easy to let yourself off the hook. There are many kinds of support: therapeutic, coaching, like-minded friends, spiritual teacher, group/community support. Without support, you can rationalize, claim confusion or make excuses. Support is also important so you have an objective view of your progress. When we’re on our own, it’s easy to deceive ourselves, be critical when we screw up and relapse. Having someone to share your tough moments, honor your progress and light your path is a wonderful way to stay on track. Check out these amazing statistics on how likely people are to follow through:

• Hear the idea – 10%
• Decide to do it – 35%
• Devise a plan (the how & by when) – 50%
• Tell someone about it – 65%
• Enlist an Accountability Partner – I am going to____; and will email/call you about it by______; – 95% probability that you will following through – amazing!

Giving yourself many ‘lifelines’ for support is key staying on track and staying connected to your desires.

• Partner with a Like-Minded Friend – Find a friend who you can mutually check in with each week and share your challenges, successes and next steps. Agree on a format you both will follow to keep each other accountable to your goals.
• Find a Weekly Group Meeting – 12 Step Groups, Toastmasters, Meditation Groups, Coaching seminars, Financial workshops, Tele-seminars
• Attend conferences/workshops such as the Omega Institute, Celebrate Your Life, I Can Do it Conferences, Chicago’s Infinity Foundation
• Join an Online Community Board – Find your like-minded peeps who share your interests; traveling, losing weight, running, spirituality, entrepreneurs, moms. Brag online, share your successes and ask for advice. You are not alone!

Food for Thought:

• “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
  - Victor Frankl
• “Every human has four endowments – self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom… The power to choose, to respond, to change.” – Stephen Covey
• “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Contact Andrea to see how coaching and team building workshops can inspire you to make the changes to be your Best Self and provide accountability and support to get there. See how others have made Coaching work for them. Call to schedule a complimentary, 30-minute sample coaching session or discuss a 6-week group workshop. (847) 971-3643 or email: andrea@hgcoaching.com